Chapter 2: Sacrifice

Sacrifice

Core to close relationships is the idea of interdependence; what one person does affects the other. When I talk about this in class, I use the analogy of a see-saw, one person going down on one side causes the other person to go soaring through the air on the other side. Sometimes this interdependent nature of relationships is a joy (i.e., you enjoy going up and down and up and down), but sometimes to get the outcome one person wants, it costs the person with whom they share this interdependence. As a quick example, imagine you and your partner have been looking forward to a quiet Saturday at home when your partner says, “My friends are getting together tonight. I really want to go.” You were really hoping to spend the evening together, but you know this matters to your partner so you tell them to go and have fun. That is a healthy sacrifice; you are giving up something you wanted in order to support something your partner wants.

Indeed, sacrifice happens frequently in romantic relationships; interdependent relationships require people to give something up for one another (Van Lange, Rusbult, et al. 1997). Sometimes the sacrifice is tiny–how you spend your Saturday evening. Other times, the sacrifice is more costly–relocating for a partner's career or putting aside an individual goal for the sake of the relationship. 

Relationship researchers view sacrifice as an important part of maintaining and investing in close relationships. When people sacrifice, they are choosing their partner's or the relationship's interests over their own immediate self-interest (Righetti & Impett, 2017) which communicates investment in the relationship and concern for a partner's welfare. When an individual sacrifices for a partner, it can be an expression of compassion and empathy for the other partner and an effort toward making the relationship successful (Day & Impett, 2016). When we willingly inconvenience ourselves to benefit someone we love, we communicate that the other person's well-being matters to us. Sacrifice, in other words, is part of loving another person (Impett, E. A., & Gordon, A. M.,2008). 

Here is some great news- although the word can sound negative, sacrificing can be rewarding. For individuals who genuinely care about and are strongly motivated to serve their partner’s needs, sacrifice produces positive emotions; these individuals feel more appreciated by their partners and satisfied in their relationship when they sacrifice (Kogan et al., 2010). As is the case with so many other behaviors that prioritize others, or prosocial behaviors, sacrificing for our romantic partners can be good not only for our partners, but also for ourselves (Impett, E. A., & Gordon, A. M.,2008). 

When can sacrificing be harmful

Although a large body of research suggests that sacrifice can be loving, meaningful, and beneficial to relationships, the effects of sacrifice on relationship outcomes depend on the context, including a person's motivation to sacrifice, the perceived costs of the sacrifice, and how the sacrifice is experienced by the giver and recipient (Righetti et al., 2020; Righetti & Impett, 2017).

Motivation to sacrifice

One of the most important discoveries in the literature on sacrifice is that the impact of sacrifice on relationships depends on the motivation behind it. Researchers distinguish between approach motives and avoidance motives  (Impett et al., 2005). An approach motive involves sacrificing because you are trying to create something positive. Maybe you want to make your partner happy, strengthen your relationship, support their goals, or demonstrate that you care. An avoidance motive involves sacrificing because you are trying to prevent something negative. Perhaps you want to avoid an argument, prevent your partner from becoming angry, or stop them from being disappointed in you.

Consider two people who both agree to attend their partner's family gathering. The first person thinks:“My partner loves having me there, and I want to be part of something that's important to them.” This is an approach to motivation to attend the gathering. By contrast, the second person thinks: “If I don't go, they're going to be upset with me, and I don't want to deal with the fight.” Although the resulting behavior is identical, there is a big psychological difference between “I am doing this because I genuinely want to support you” and “I am doing this because I feel like I have no choice.” This is an avoidance reason for attending the gathering. In both cases, the individual decides to sacrifice for their partner, but the resulting experience of that sacrifice is likely very different.

Impett et al. (2014) examined this distinction in a study of 80 dating couples that included laboratory discussions, daily reports over 14 days, and a three-month follow-up. Sacrifices made for approach goals were associated with greater relationship quality for both partners, whereas sacrifices made for avoidance goals were associated with poorer relationship quality, particularly for the person making the sacrifice. These differences were linked to the positive and negative emotions associated with the sacrifices. Indeed, sacrifice is healthiest when it feels like a choice to give, rather than an obligation to surrender.

CASE EXAMPLE:

In my clinical experience, I, Andy, am always looking for opportunities for this type of shift in clients’ mental orientation toward sacrifice. I often go back to the simple example of washing dishes, and in this case, you may hear a partner say “I want you to want to wash the dishes.” What the partner is asking is actually quite valid. From the perspective of modern research, our partners want us to be motivated by approach motives, not avoidance ones. They don’t just want clean dishes, they want us motivated by saying, “I know my partner appreciates a clean kitchen, and I care about my partner more than I dislike doing the dishes.” And in hopeful news, this is a mindset shift you can make on your own, and reap the relationship rewards immediately. 

When Sacrifice is too costly

Sacrifice can also become problematic when it becomes onesided or is too costly (Righetti et al. 2020). Imagine a couple in which one person routinely changes their plans, gives up their preferences, accommodates the other's schedule, and abandons personal goals to make the relationship easier. At first, this might look like devotion. Research suggests, however, that when sacrifices become expected, those sacrifices become invisible and can be costly to a relationship (Affifi and Burgoon, 2000).

Some individuals are more prone to making these types of continual sacrifices. Psychologists use the term unmitigated communion to describe someone who is excessively focused on other people while neglecting their own self (Helgeson and Fritz, 1998). Their research distinguishes this pattern from ordinary communion, or the tendency to care about, connect with, and respond to other people. The problem is not simply caring about others, but becoming so focused on others that one's own needs and well-being are neglected. Research has connected unmitigated communion with poorer health outcomes, psychological distress, and relationship difficulties (Fritz & Helgeson, 1998; Helgeson & Fritz, 1998; Helgeson & Fritz, 2000; Helgeson et al., 2015). Put another way, generosity works best when the giver remains a person- with needs, preferences, boundaries, and goals of their own. When a person sacrifices to the point that they lose part of their own identity, it becomes problematic. Indeed, people who continually sacrifice for their partners become more ambivalent towards their partner and have more frequent thoughts about ending the relationship (Righetti et al., 2020). 

Interestingly, unmitigated communion is a gender-related trait; women tend to be higher in unmitigated communion and indeed are more expected to make sacrifices in relationships. Because sacrifice is more normative for women than for men, women may receive less appreciation and gratitude from their partner (and society more broadly) than do men (Zoppolat et al., 2020). 

That said, in my (Andy’s) clinical experience, men are more likely to under-report instances of unmitigated communion. In many cases, I have had to ask direct questions of men in order to ascertain a pattern of unhealthy dependence in which a female partner’s emotional needs are center-stage and a male partner is highly unaware they have emotional needs at all, until they are acting out as a response to them not being met. By then, it is being revealed through an unhealthy conflict pattern, which we will address in Chapter 9. But be aware, a lack of reciprocity in this area can take many forms. It is worth taking inventory in our romantic relationships: are the sacrifices, both great and small, going both ways?

In many ways, sacrifice can be bittersweet (Righetti & Impett, 2017). You can be happy that you helped your partner and wish you had not had to give something up. A danger arises when the negative side of the equation becomes the dominant experience. A meta-analysis by Righetti et al. (2020) provides particularly strong evidence across 82 studies that losing yourself to sacrifice for a partner hurts you, your partner, and your relationship. In contrast, satisfaction with sacrifice was positively associated with well-being for both partners. It is important to ask the question “What is sacrificing doing to me—and what is it doing to us?”

Notice and appreciate sacrifice

As we will discuss more in Chapter 10, showing appreciation towards a partner in general is a protective factor in relationships. This is particularly true in the context of sacrifice. When sacrifices are recognized by a partner, and appreciated, they can strengthen a relationship. When sacrifices go unnoticed, it can lower relationship satisfaction. By contrast, people who feel more appreciated by their partner are more likely to sacrifice for partner-focused motives (Schrage et al., 2022). 

In short, sacrifice is an essential and potentially life-giving part of loving someone—we all give something up at times for the people we care about. But there is a right way and a wrong way to sacrifice: healthy sacrifice is freely chosen, motivated by love, and balanced with caring for ourselves, while unhealthy sacrifice can leave us feeling resentful, invisible, or like we’ve lost our own identity. Sacrifices invites us to give generously, notice and appreciate what our partners give up for us, and make sure both people are choosing to say, “I want to meet your needs, not out of obligation, but because it delights me to see you happy.”