Patterns of the Heart: How Past Relationships Shape Partners, Communication, and Attachment
By: Toni Sentell
First dates, first kisses, first times. These milestones mark some of the most poignant moments of when we first enter the dating realm. Your first real relationship: whether it was with your middle school crush and lasted approximately two weeks, or with someone you met at a college party and lasted all the way up to the end of your sophomore year. For most people, the very first relationships they experience act as scopes of what their dating life will look like in the future.
Yes, your girlfriend does remind you of your mother
Relationships are determinants of many factors such as attachment style, sexual preferences, ways of communicating, and many more. Even before we enter the world of dating, our perceptions of relationships and their functionality first begin with our parents. Researchers have found that parental figures are some of the very first models that an adolescent develops as the standard for a relationship. Another one of these models is friendships, which typically come early on in a child’s life and teach one how to have egalitarian connections with each other. Interpersonal relationship skills with our family and peers are what set the backdrop for how we will later engage with our romantic partners.
You had me at hello!
Now you’re probably asking yourself, "how do these “interpersonal skills” affect who I think is cute?"" Well, researchers have found that these skills have a direct link to attraction! Interpersonal skills affect communication; meaning how we approach people, who we might approach, and how we talk to the people that we choose to approach. However, interpersonality and communication are recursive with each other. The more people that we communicate with, the more our interpersonal skills develop. So, when you finally find Mr., Mrs., or Mx. Right and begin getting to know them, you might begin to reminisce on your past relationships. To which for some you may think to yourself, “How the hell did I ever put up with them?!” Not only have your experiences helped you in finding a good partner, but your preferences have also greatly matured along the way. Go you!
Benefits of Sh*tty Exes
Speaking of maturity and preferences, how exactly does one become their own personal tastemaker for finding a partner and creating a healthy relationship? Well unfortunately, you have your exes to thank for that (precisely.) As I previously mentioned, our past relationships affect the ways in which we learn to communicate with our partners. Communication is the very basis of a relationship and shows itself in many different ways. Say for instance, your previous partner absolutely hated planning dates and preferred to stay inside. This aspect of your relationship might not have had a large effect while the two of you were still together. However, in your next relationship your new partner loved spending time with you; which prompted you to plan more dates to appease them. Your perspective of dates has now changed, where previously you didn’t care for them and now realize how enjoyable they are to both plan and go on.
When looking at this progression and how it can apply to the bigger aspects of a relationship, it becomes clear how pivotal this growth is and how it can lead to the betterment of one’s relationships. Remember when you were broken up with via TikTok repost? You have that ex to thank for the happy marriage you have now!
You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait
A healthy relationship is anything but a simple science. We’ve discussed almost every aspect of a relationship that changes with time, except time itself. How do relationships mature with us? Our ability to love grows just as our ability to maintain and remain in love does. This concept is a psychoanalytic model called the Capacity to Love, coined by Otto F. Kernberg. Being able to engage with the life of our partner, wanting to invest in creating a healthy mode of communication, having a common set of values and standards with our partner. All of these are different relational aspects that assess the maturity of our capacity to love. The foundation of your early relationships has a lasting effect on how you will approach the emergence of any relationships to follow. The experience brought by one’s past experiences with love increases their emotional maturity, and shifts their approach to control, communication, and even sexual selection.
Conclusion
The foundation of our standards for relationships is determined by many factors including interpersonal skills, our capacity to love, emotional maturity, and communication styles. The foundation for which we build from when entering the dating realm is crucial; as it will develop the elements that create a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
References
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