Forgiveness and Managing an Abusive Relationship
Jeffry slapped her. Hard. Hours later, he gets on his knees and swears that he will never do it again. Hera yelled at him in front of a crowd. She then had a tear in her eye as she asked if he would forgive her. Arthur cursed in front of his children and his wife. Rebecca lied to her boyfriend. Physical, emotional, verbal, and overall mental abuse are common in romantic relationships and raise questions around when forgiveness is appropriate.1 And, if partners do decide to forgive, what does reconciliation look like?
Abuse is not limited to just one culture; it can happen all across the world to individuals of various races, religions, and ethnicities.2,3 Those who are affected by abuse are made to feel less than humans.2 The path to recovery is challenging, and often individuals struggle with forgiveness. The psychological literature distinguishes between two different types of forgiveness: conditional forgiveness and unconditional forgiveness.1 Conditional forgiveness occurs when forgiveness is offered but only if the behavior is never repeated.1 Unconditional forgiveness refers to forgiveness in which there is no explicit demand for the behavior to never be repeated; this type of forgiveness is usually associated with more positive feelings towards the offender.1
The distinction between conditional and unconditional forgiveness intersects with individuals' faith. Interestingly, most Catholics choose conditional methods of forgiveness, and most Protestants and Evangelicals choose unconditional methods of forgiveness.3 In part because religion places a high emphasis on grace, Christians may feel compelled to offer unconditional forgiveness to an abuser, but is this in their best interest? Or might it be taken for granted and lead to an increase in the prevalence of abuse? Sometimes, the best route is to seek counseling with an open, honest mind about reconciling with your abuser or not.4 In humanistic counseling, the path of understanding, processing, and dealing with the abuse will be made more clear. This process of dealing with the abuse is focused on how the client views forgiveness and reconciliation.4 Once the counselor understands how the client views these aspects of abuse management, therapy can proceed and can end with reconciliation of the relationship or with the abused being able to forgive and be at peace with walking away from the relationship.4 Humanistic counseling emphasizes that although forgiveness is important for healing, reconciliation is not always essential.4
Whether reconciliation occurs or not, forgiveness for the sake of releasing the hate towards your offender has benefits for the person who is forgiving. When you forgive someone, you decrease the ability of PTSD and other mental disorders to take hold of you, and you allow yourself to experience more positivity in your life.5 In that sense, perhaps forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Still, forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. You are not defined by the abuse of others, nor are you defined by not staying with the giver of that abuse.
Works Cited
1Záhorcová, L., Dr Drštáková Ž., & Masaryková, M. (2023). Forgiveness, its factors, and unforgivable acts in romantic relationships: A mixed methods study. Personal Relationships, 30(2), 471-500. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12471
2Idle, J., Robinson, S., Fisher, K.H., Ikäheimo, H., Smyth, C., & Yoon, J. (2025). Conceptualising the everyday harm experienced by people with cognitive disability: A scoping review of microaggression and emotional and psychological abuse. Journal of Intellectual and Developmental Disability. 50(1), 59-71. https://doi.org/10.3109/13668250.2024.2336076
3Sheldon, P., Antony, M.G., & Sealy, M. (2021). Thou shalt forgive thy friend: How religion influences forgiveness among friends. Journal of Communication and Religion. 44(1), 88-106. https://doi.org/10.5840/jcr202144125
4Balkan, R.S., Perepiczka, M, Sowell, S.M., Cumi, K., & Ginlka, P.B. (2016). The forgiveness and reconciliation model: An empirically supported process for humanistic counseling. Journal of Humanistic Counseling, 55(1), p55-65, 11p. https://10.1002/johc.12024
5Tunç, E. & Kaygas, Y. (2021). Correct classification level of young adults who abuse and do not abuse their partner in the romantic relationship of forgiveness. International Journal of Progressive Education. 17(5). https://10.29329/ijpe.2021.375.1.